


they're not all worth saving

by hyunggussoundcloud



Series: worth saving verse [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Angst, Fist Fights, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 08:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17382896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunggussoundcloud/pseuds/hyunggussoundcloud
Summary: "we can't, or you won't?"





	they're not all worth saving

**Author's Note:**

> t this is for u 
> 
> u know who u are i went all out
> 
> junmyeon is mean im sorry

"why are you always such a dumbass." it wasn't a question, and junmyeon slapped away the hand that was trying to touch the swelling eye. "don't do that, idiot. it'll make it worse." he looked like he wanted to give kyungsoo another black eye for being so stupid, getting into a fight with some guy in a shitty, no-name bar in west seoul. that was way too far from their terf, too high risk considering their current position.

kyungsoo tried to touch his eye again, only to groan, annoyed that the older man wouldn't just let him fuck with it a little. "jesus christ, old man, why the hell won't you just leave me alone?" he was grieving, jongdae's  phantom blood still hot on his hands, and he almost shuddered at the memory. maybe going to some shit dive to get blackout drunk and then punching someone for calling him a whore was... not good, but he couldn't help it. he was mad. he was so fucking mad, and he couldn't do anything about it, he was always told no, it was just always  _no._ "you know how i feel about people who know where i... came from."

junmyeon sighed heavily, stopping the stitching of the gash on his junior's arm. "you were owned by a brothel, do. people are going to bring it up, that was your life. it's going to happen." he wiped his hands off on a towel he'd barely remembered to grab on his way in. "he had a switchblade, and you're drunk off your ass."

"i'll get cut a million more times if it means i don't have to get called a fucking whore again in my life."

"letting your anger control you like this is a stupid thing to do, kid. don't go down that path, you know what happened with chanyeol." just the mention of that man was enough to worsen the atmosphere, and junmyeon tried to finish up the stitch. "you belong to me, now. we have an image, and you're going to keep it up. i don't care what you feel, you aren't yours to keep track of anymore."

and he let himself wonder, for a moment, if his boss knew just how true that was. it was terrible, an absolutely terrible idea, to let himself keep falling in love with someone who never even thought about himself, about what  _he_ wanted. junmyeon was proud; proud of his life, of his gang, the legacy he was already building for himself. he wasn't cocky, though. he cared too much about others' opinions, about people in general, to be self-centered. kyungsoo supposed that was probably one of the reasons he admired the man in front of him. the man who was willing to buy some low-rate prostitute from his own brothel just because his right hand asked him to.

"what's wrong?" ah, there it was. that compassion, sympathy that years in a terrible business should've beaten out of him, but it was still there, it was still real and present and just... not good for kyungsoo's health.

he felt stupid all over again. junmyeon was bordering thirty seven, and kyungsoo was barely twenty. he'd never even think about seeing the pledge in that way. "i haven't been mine for a long time," he paused, testing the waters to see if it would be a good idea to elaborate. well, his brain was at about 10% functionality anyways, so he decided he would deal with the consequences later. "even before i took that pledge, and got the stupid tattoo, i was yours."

"the fuck does that mean?" his voice was heavy, with accusation, guilt, worry, just something very not good and kyungsoo had fucked up again. great. just fucking wonderful.

he looked anywhere in the tiny bathroom but the man in front of him. his words were stuck in the bottom of his throat, they couldn't even try to fight their way out. junmyeon was right, he was so right, kyungsoo was just an idiot, just a stupid kid who knew nothing, and who would never know anything because he let his stupid heart rule his life without giving his head a second to think before he was already being dumb. "i think you know what it means." he muttered after a tense pause, eyes boring holes into the wall. he didn't want to think about the shitstorm that was bound to come with his revelation.

"no."

"fuck you."

"you  _know_ we can't do that," he sounded distraught, and he stood. junmyeon was shaking, panicky, he looked like he wanted to throw up, but kyungsoo was sitting on the toilet, so that wasn't an option. "i have to be your boss, i have to be  _their_ boss, i have all of you to take care of, i can't... i don't have time to deal with your feelings, or any feelings. we're in the middle of a-"

"a full on gang war, i know. i was there when it fucking started." he knew it would end horribly, but there he was, getting upset anyways. "you didn't see his body, god, you wouldn't even look at his body!" images were flashing through his head at breakneck speed, and the blood was back, it was so much, there was too much, and he was crying, and jongdae was  _dead-_

"we  _cannot do this,_ kyungsoo. i'll fuck you up."

"you've already fucked me up, asshole!" his voice cracked through the tears. "you owned me- no, don't fucking deny it! you owned me because seungsoo couldn't pay off his fucking loans, and now you own me in a different way, and i'm so fucking fucked up over you!" he wiped at his eyes angrily, and it hurt, and he'd get yelled at, and everything just fucking  _hurt._ "you're the one that's always saying, 'i want to give you what you want in life, i want you all to be the happiest you can in this life,' but for whatever reason you just hate me." 

and, god it sounded an awful lot like self pity. he deserved to pity himself, though. he deserved to feel shitty, and revel in that and not want to move on. he'd always been forced to move on, but he could still see jongdae's dead eyes and he just couldn't stop thinking about how park chanyeol had shot someone, someone he used to care about, work closely with, in cold blood over his pledge being stripped because  _he_ had been the one to fuck up.

"we can't," his boss said again, weakly, with a hand over his eyes. 

"we can't, or _you_ won't?"

junmyeon walked out of the bathroom then, and kyungsoo followed him. "go lie down or something, kid. you need some rest, it's going to be a bitch in the morning." he made a reach for the pack of cigarettes that was on the kitchen island, only to growl in frustratuon when it was empty. "i'm serious, dumbass. go get some fucking sleep."

"i just want to know why we can't even try and be happy for once."

"it's complicated, okay? you really wouldn't fucking understand. please stop asking questions, and go to  _bed._ " he made a reach for his car keys, only to be knocked over. "what the fuck."

kyungsoo sat on his back like a petulant child, and he just wanted some  _answers_ for once. "junmyeon, give me a real reason."

"jongdae begged me not to fall in love with you, i just want to do one thing right by him, he deserves that much."

**Author's Note:**

> hehe uwu


End file.
